There are a lot of things you should never say or ask.  Most people have a common sense filter which helps decide what would be appropriate to say and what would be best left on the shelf of his or her mind.  If you don’t have that filter, this post probably won’t help you that much.  This is more about the subtle things we say which we never realize have a profound impact on certain listeners.  I hope this will help us all be more sensitive with our communication.

As a Lead Pastor, I speak to a fairly large group just about every week.  When 2011 is done, I will have spoken at least 47 times to our church which numbers in the multiple hundreds every week.  Speaking to that many people gives me a high probability I will say something that offends someone occasionally.  Though I never set out to do that and am very careful in my communication, sometimes it happens.  I’m not talking about people that are upset I preached a message that said their behavior is sin– I can’t do much about that nor am I apologetic because I believe speaking the truth of God’s Word is the most loving thing I can do.  I’m talking about when I say a comment or joke without fully understanding the fragile state certain listeners might be in.

Let me give you a personal example:

Recently, while teaching on Sunday I said the comment, “When I’m in public and I see kids misbehaving, I blame the parents more than I do the kids.”  I added in some jokes like, “Let me take care of your kids…they learn to act the correct way.”  Though I got many laughs, I also hurt some parents who have kids with conditions that cause their kids to act out.  These parents love their kids and work hard with them but there is not much they can do in some situations.  They are already insecure and I just added to that pain.  When a parent told me about how my comments affected them, my heart sank.  Though it was not my intention, it still was the outcome.

Each time I am confronted about something I say that hurts someone, I feel horrible.  I apologize and I also learn.  I learn more about how people hear things and how to better communicate.  If we fail to learn, we will continue to hurt people.

I’m going to list some things and then give some explanation for why I did.  Obviously this list could go on for a very long time, but I hope after reading these examples it will cause us all to give our communication a little more thought so we don’t carelessly offend people.

The Obvious (I hope):

• You look tired.  – What you’re really saying is, “You look awful.”  Tired is not a good look.  Most people don’t wake up, look at the mirror and think, “I look awesome.  If only I could keep this look all day.”
• You’ve gained weight! – Do I need to explain this?  If so, you have failed the common sense test.
• How much money do you make? – For whatever reason, this is too personal of a question.
• Are you pregnant? – I will not reference a woman’s pregnancy until I hear her personally confirm it…in writing…notarized…with ultrasound pictures to prove it.  If the person is pregnant, this is typically taken well but if they’re not, the damage is done.
• Is that your natural hair color? – If they are dying it, there’s a reason…they don’t want their natural color.
• Is that diamond real? – They sure hope so!

Less Obvious:

• That’s gay.  – Any comment where you use a reference to homosexuality as a way to make fun of someone or something is completely inappropriate no matter your views on homosexuality.  In the secular world, it is offensive because you are degrading people who happily live that way and not only view it as nothing to be ashamed of but as how they were made.  In a Christian culture that views homosexuality as being outside the design of God’s plan for sexuality, it is destructive to creating a safe environment.  I have some friends who have chosen to resist their desires of same sex attraction because of their belief in God’s Word.  They have said the “church” is still very unreceptive to them opening up about their struggles.  One of the main reasons is people using terms like “gay” to make fun of stuff.  I’ve even had pastor friends openly say comments like that.  It always makes me cringe because I know how it hurts people.
• When are you going to start having kids? – I never knew how damaging this question could be until I had friends who had a difficult time conceiving.  When you are trying to have kids and can’t, every mention or question is like having a knife stuck in your heart again.  As a result, this question (or any form of it) should never be asked.  On a different note, some people might choose not to have kids and their reasons are none of anyone’s business.
• Was this pregnancy on purpose? – This is just a stupid question.
• Do you know what causes that? – This question is usually asked of a couple that have many kids.  The answer to this question is “Yes we know, and no we don’t want to talk or joke about our sex life or reasons why we have/want the amount of kids we have/want.”  It’s a joke question…just not funny.
• Are you finished having kids? – None of your business.
• What kid is the adopted one/real one? – Adopted children are their real children too.  Parents don’t view them as “real vs. fake.”  There is no reason why this question is needed to be asked.
• Why are you single? – The assumption is the person is choosing to be single which is rarely the case.  What you are really asking is, “What’s wrong with you?”
• When are you getting married? – This is usually asked of a couple that has been dating a while.  What if they are working through issues?  What if they aren’t sure about marriage?  What if one of them is thinking about how to break up?  What if it is simply none of your business?
• You look like you are ready to explode/pop! – This is said to a pregnant woman.  This is in no way, shape, or form a compliment.  You are saying, “You look huge, swollen, uncomfortable, etc.”  Besides the obvious problems with this statement, it is being said to a person that is uncomfortable, sleep deprived, hormonally messed up, and just tired of it.  Not the best choice.  Another form of this is “Are you having twins?”  Not a good question…
• Enjoying married life? – This is usually said to newlyweds.  I asked this once of a person that I was a mentor to because I was trying to help him.  He answered, “It’s a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.”  That was a truthful answer…given to a person who had a right to ask.  Everyone else, the best case is they answer truthfully that it is going well.  Not good case is to lie and say it is going well when it’s not.  Worst case, it’s going bad and they actually tell you.
• We’ve all been talking and there’s something I need to tell you. – Another twist to this is “We’ve all been talking and I have been chosen to be the spokesperson.”  The truth behind this is usually the “spokesperson” is the one gossiping to everyone and because the recipients don’t have the character to stand up to them, either their participation or silence confirms in his or her heart the gossip they are spreading.  The person hearing this statement does not feel loved or safe.  You have just told them you’ve been gossiping and now I’m ready to confront you.  If you think something needs to be said, just go to the person and tell them personally without adding the weight of “we all agree…”.
• Is it terminal? – This is asked when you discover someone has cancer.  Another insensitive response to cancer is “good luck with that.”  The proper response is one of genuine concern like, “I’m sorry to hear that…so how are you doing in your fight?”
• When are you going to get a real job? – There are so many things wrong with this question.  Maybe they love their job.  Maybe they have been trying to find another job but can’t.  Maybe they have that job because of personal reasons like a sick family member.  Who decides what a real job is?
• Why did you get divorced? – Divorces don’t happen on a whim.  There are often years of hurts that lead up to it.  You are neither entitled to that information nor would the person be able to share it in brief terms.

This list could go on and on but my goal is to get all of us to think about the implications of our questions and comments.  Rarely do people set out to hurt someone, but unfortunately it happens.  Hopefully this will save some people some hurts and others some embarrassment.

One of the things we have to realize is our tone, timing, position, and relational equity with people all play into our communication…but that’s for my next post!